This smells like "are you fucking kidding me? It's gone already?" I have no idea what this stupid perfume smells like because by the time the alcohol fades, the scent has basically completely faded as well, leaving behind the faint aroma of flatulence.
If this scent were being worn by a fictional character, it would be Pumba from the Lion King (1994).
Bvlgari - Mon Jasmin Noir Eau de Toilette. $83 for 1.7 fl oz ($48.82 per oz)
This smell is very mild, but it's a nice mix of jasmine and orange juice. It smells like someone who is putting a lot of effort into being special, but who is not quite succeeding.
If this scent were being worn by a fictional character, it would be Bella Swan from Twilight.
Carolina Herrera - 212 Men NYC Eau de Toilette (For Dudes). $58 for 1.7 fl oz ($34.12 per oz)
For a scent supposedly aimed at men, this is remarkably feminine and youthful. It smells a little woody, but mostly it smells like a sweetened version of oregano.
If this scent were being worn by a fictional character, it would be Peter Pan from Peter and Wendy.
Clean - Rain Eau de Parfum. $69 for 2.14 fl oz ($32.24 per oz)
Normally, I think of a delicate scent as one that as one that is soft, floral, and light. Somehow, this fulfills none of the categories, yet still seems to fit "delicate" perfectly. This smells like a musky honeydew melon.
If this scent were being worn by a fictional character, it would be Satsuki from My Neighbor Totoro (1988).
Donna Karan - Cashmere Mist Eau De Parfum. $82 for 1.7 fl oz ($48.23 per oz)
This perfume smells like freshly washed sheets when you put in slightly too much laundry detergent, and then you overfilled the dryer so that they are still kind of damp when you take them out. It is a very powerful scent.
If this scent were being worn by a fictional character, it would be Scarlett O'Hara (at her most tired and overworked) from Gone With the Wind.
Givenchy - Gentlemen Only Eau De Toilette (For Dudes). $59 for 1.7 fl oz ($34.71 per oz)
"Gentlemen only"? Don't fucking tell me what to do, Givenchy. This smells like cedar and pepper, neither of which are reserved for men. This smells like someone who doesn't know that women are allowed in the workplace (although the description of stating that is epitomizes "courtesy, elegance, and chivalry" probably doesn't help my impression of it).*
If this scent were being worn by a fictional character, it would be Chi-Fu from Mulan (1998).
John Varvatos - Vintage Eau De Toilette (For Dudes). $64 for 2.5 fl oz ($25.60 per oz)
This smells like the inside of a new leather jacket, with a bit of cinnamon thrown in for good mix. This may technically be for menfolk, but I think this makes an absurdly sexy women's perfume.
If this scent were being worn by a fictional character, it would be Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica.
Marc Jacobs - Honey Eau De Parfum. $72 for 1.7 fl oz ($42.35 per oz)
This perfume smells like what I imagine it must be like to wake up in Hawaii. It smells fruity and a little bit oceany, but the fruit scents melt together into a sort of happy, sunny scent.
If this scent were being worn by a fictional character, it would be Hi'iaka from Hawaiian mythology.
Philosophy Living Grace Eau De Toilette. $44 for 2.0 fl oz ($22 per oz)
This smells a little bit like lilies, but mostly it smells like you took a shower. This may be a good option for the dirty hippies among you who want to re-join civilized society for an evening without actually having to wash your hair.
If this scent were being worn by a fictional character, it would be Pig-Pen from Peanuts.
Viktor and Rolf Spicebomb Eau De Toilette (For Dudes). $85 for 1.7 fl oz ($50 per oz)
Given that Viktor and Rolf's Flowerbomb is one of the few perfumes I have actually broken down and purchased (it smells So. Fucking. Good.), I was really excited to try the dude-centric version of this perfume. At first, I felt overwhelmed with the smell of my grandma's house (admittedly, she had a nice-smelling house, but I rarely feel the desire to smell like dead people). After a moment, I thought the smell seemed more like a classic cigar (or at least how a classic cigar smells from inside when the old men in your family go outside to smoke). However, after a few moments, the scent changed again, leaving a scent that is less spice and more floral. It feels clever and complex. It may be lovely, if you can get over the completely hideous grenade packaging, but I probably will be sticking with Flowerbomb.
If this scent were being worn by a fictional character, it would be Lord Henry Wotton from the Picture of Dorian Gray.
*Before I get linked to by Men's Rights Advocate groups: this is a joke.
P.S. Remember how I said that Chloe's Eau De Parfum was really, really, really boring? Since I wrote that, I have picked up the exact same sample an additional THREE TIMES because it is so boring that I keep forgetting that I have already tried it.