Sunday, October 13, 2013

Long Hair Is a Curse

Let me set the scene.

I have two guinea pigs. Guinea pigs are supposedly self-cleaning, but my guineas are dumb even by the standards for the species and they have a bad habit of peeing on each other. (They are also afraid of the floor... but I digress.) As a result, they occasionally bring in houseflies that are enticed by their intoxicating excretions. We don't have any hooks in our bedroom, so my boyfriend slipped a piece of flypaper onto a pen and hung it from our ceiling light. This is because we are adults who do classy, adult things. The ceiling light is right over my half of the bed.

For two days, I had a series of close calls. I'd hop out of bed, find flypaper two inches from my face, and jump backwards in alarm.

You read the title, so I think you can see where this is going.

I decided to take a nap. Naps are excellent, but when you wake up from a nap, you have no idea what is going on. You are one drowsy motherfucker. I stood up and bonked my forehead against the flypaper. Because it was insecurely fascinated, the entire piece fell onto my head, wrapping around my hair, which was tied in a messy bun.

"WILLOHMYGODIAMGOINGTOKILLYOU."
"No, no, it's fine! It will totally come out."
"DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YOUR COW."

He grabbed the edge of the flypaper and tried to rip it out of my hair. The problem (as if there was only one) was: this wasn't precautionary flypaper. We actually had flies. As he pulled the flypaper away from my head, the bodies of the flies began to rip apart, leaving hunks of dead housefly body strewn throughout my hair.

"WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE. AHHHHHH!"

He finally got the flypaper off of my head. It had been a true exchange. The flypaper had left with huge chunks of my hair. I left with a head that looked and felt like it had been dipped in honey and the corpses of insects that were only in my house due to their deep appreciation for pet urine.

"Are you crying, Robyn?"
"THIS IS TRAUMATIC."

I managed to pull my hairtie down.

"See? Your hair isn't ruined at all!"

The thick layer of goop that had penetrated the floofy, untucked part of my bun, however, was unsalvageable. I took a pair of scissors and snipped off the bottom inch and a half of my hair. Next came a weepy shower that yielded an important piece of data: 3. If you get flypaper in your hair, you will need to wash your hair three times before the stickiness finally rinses out. So now you know.

A look of post-shower contentment.
At least the flies are gone.

32 comments:

  1. OH MY GOD. I had a couple close calls with walking into fly strips, so my heart goes out to you! RIP, an inch and a half of Robyn's hair - you will be missed.

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    1. It's okay... it was 80% split ends anyways!

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  2. I came across your blog from Reddit and I love it!! :)
    I hope this isn't a weird question but, my face shape is very similar to yours. Does it come under oval, heart or oblong? I can never be sure. :/

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  3. Awww. I'm usually a lurker here, but needed to share my sympathies for your horrid fly paper incident.

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  4. I've done this in my teen years. It's horrible. I'm so sorry you had to cut your hair!!

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    1. It's okay! I'm planning a haircut soon anyways.

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  5. Ugh. Fly paper is the worst. A necessary evil I guess.

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  6. Omg, I probably laughed too hard at this. I'm sorry cause it's terrible but you've made my bed-ridden-foot-in-a-caste day a bit better with this story.

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  7. >Because it was insecurely fascinated,

    This was by favorite part. It makes the flypaper sound like it was stalking you, trying to get your attention, and then finally threw itself at you and refused to let go.

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    1. Oh darn! Well, I'll leave the typo up, just for you!

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    2. I loved that part, too :D .

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  8. This is truly the best scary Halloween story I have ever read.

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  9. as a parent of two small children, I can attest to the magical power of coconut oil when dealing with sticky things stuck in hair.

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  10. At first I thought this was going to be about guinea pigs peeing in your hair, so... could be worse? Maybe?

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    1. Psh. Do you know what I call guinea pigs peeing in my hair?

      Tuesday.

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  11. My lip literally pooched out further with each part of this story!

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  12. I have had this happen to me before but it wasn't nearly as bad. We have a barn and with the flies out there we put up fly strips of course. I'm just lucky it wasn't as serious as yours and after using the made-for-livestock shampoo on my hair it came out pretty easily. It seemed awful till my friend told me about the time he stood up under the liquid kind of fly trap, dumping rotting flesh smelling fly attractant and dead flies all over his head. The smell didn't come out of his hair for DAYS. So you know...could be worse?

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  13. Oh my jesus no. The description of horrible dead fly bodies in your hair! D: Noooooo. That is so terrible :(

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  14. Oh my. I'm so sorry! But this was a hilarious read, too. ;) New follower, by the way. I love your writing style and general straightforward attitude!

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  15. Your Mulan reference made me laugh! I am very sorry this happened to you, though. That whole situation sounds awful!

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  16. Eeeeeew! At least that story didn't end with "So here's a picture of my new pixie cut..." Still, not fun.

    http://mattekat.blogspot.ca/

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  17. Think of it this way: long hair is a BLESSING. If it had been short, you might have had to shave your head!

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  18. WORST DAY! I'm so sorry. I totes agree though, long hair is a curse... Part of the decision for me to do Balding for Dollars a couple months ago =P

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  19. Okay, I can safely say I adore your writing.

    Post - bookmarked!

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  20. I know this is an old post...but OMFG, you poor thing. I'm nauseated just reading about it.

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