Monday, October 13, 2014

Birchbox September 2014 Review

Pretend it's a month ago.

This was my Birchbox!:

I got stuff!:

Macadamia Professional Healing Oil Spray (travel size at 2 fl oz), retail value $14.50

I'm still waiting on a genie in a lamp to deliver some magic "healing" hair ingredients. This spray consists mostly of water and fractionated coconut oil ("Capric/Caprylic Triglyceride") held in an emulsion by an emulsifying wax. You get a little glycerin, fatty esters, and fatty alcohols to keep moisture in, and there's a few silicones and inexplicable vitamins (e.g. Vitamin C and Vitamin E).

I won't say that there is no evidence that topical vitamin e can have any effects anything having to do with hair, but the evidence is shit like this study done in the 1960s on rabbits… and, as a bunny owner, I promise that bunnies aren't good models for stuff like split ends. If you hope this is going to do something really specially for damaged hair, that's just not a realistic expectation.

However, if your expectations are "My hair is kinda dry and maybe I could spray this on it and it would be less dry" you've found the right sort of thing. It will do that.

It also has a nice sandalwood-y smell and it's not at all greasy.

Acure Organics Day Cream (1 fl oz), approximate retail value $10.85

If there is one thing I hate as a person who kind of thinks things through sometimes, it's the idea that plant stem cells are going to do anything (anything at all) to fix your face. Seriously, fuck everyone who markets shit like this.

The idea that fruit stem cells are going to help your skin was actually the topic of my first "Beauty Bullshit" post, which you can read here.

Gotu kola is not a fruit. It's a herbaceous plant… but the same logic applies.

This plant was presumably chosen because there is a lot of mythology around it… so much so that the American Cancer Society has had to formally come out and declare that "available scientific evidence does not support claims of its effectiveness for treating cancer or any other disease in humans."

The company is also advertising the benefits of its "chlorella growth factor". Chlorella is a single-celled algae and a growth factor is a substance that helps to stimulate cellular growth. Readers of this blog will likely be unsurprised to hear that it's likely not helping your skin any.

Even leaving the pseudoscience aside, I can't get over the ridiculousness of a "day cream" without SPF in it. Isn't that the point of a "day cream"? Plus, the benefits of sunscreen are actual science...

Dr. Brandt Pores No More Vacuum Cleaner (0.25 oz), approximate retail value $11.25

This product definitely won't be pulling anything fancy out of your face. Basically, it's a clear goop that you leave on your face until it turns into a slightly crusty, slightly blue/white goop (but like… not impressively… more like you got toothpaste foam on your face and didn't wash it off), and then you remove it.

I tend to try to avoid drying alcohols in my skincare, and this product has a lot of them. It also doesn't have glycolic acid or salicylic acid in enough quantities or at the right pH to be super helpful. There are much better products out there.

Ruffian Nail Lacquer in Naked (full size at 0.17 fl oz), retail value $10.00

As much as I love Ruffian's cute little nail polish bottles, this has to be the ugliest color of nail polish I have ever seen.

When I saw it, the first thing I thought of was Soylent, the meal replacement product for people who inexplicably hate food:

Photo source:

Putting it on my nails made me feel like I was getting ready to put on the khaki version of a Canadian tuxedo.

(It looks even worse when it chips.)

Ruffian Dressing Room Nail Lacquer Remover Towelettes (2 wipes), approximate retail value $2.40

I also got nail polish removing wipes because Birchbox correctly predicted that I would quickly want to remove that hideous nail color.

These wipes look snazzy. They are black. They are the nail polish wipe equivalent of a really fancy house you pin to inspirational Pinterest boards.

Unfortunately, like many things on Pinterest, reality is not as good as the fantasy. These remove nothing. After completely shredding one of these wipes trying to remove a single polished nail, I gave up and broke out my acetone and cotton rounds.

TEMPTU S/B Highligher (0.1 fl oz), approximate retail value $2.75

Finally, I got a highlighter in a golden bronzy shade that would probably be more appropriate for a blush on me.

Because the color is so orange and dark on me, it requires incredible amounts of blending. Basically, I just blend until I can't see it anymore.

Do you see the faint orange streak on my cheekbone below?

…that's this product.

Total Box Value: $51.75

Tl;dr: I hate everything and am a curmudgeon. A lazy curmudgeon who writes blog posts a month late.

If you mysteriously want to join Birchbox anyways, you could use this link… or another link, but this one is mine.


  1. I agree- that nail color had me like "WTF"

    1. it looks like foundation for one of those women that doesn't seem to exist!

  2. Have you ever looked into the Paula's Choice product line? I'm not affiliated with them in any way just a long time user. She's big on using ingredients that are backed by science and not making any crazy claims for her products.

  3. This is unrelated--but do you have any favorite youtube beauty bloggers?

  4. Could you do a post on your skin care routine?

  5. Isn't Temptu airbrush makeup? Why in the world are they putting something like that in the box when barely any of their subscribers are going to have the right tools to apply it?

    1. Temptu lists the s/b line as airbrush or hand-application, but yeaaaah, it's really more of an airbrush makeup

  6. I'm glad you call out beauty bullshit. I am also sick and tired of green brands and eco warriors hiding behind the exoticness of nature to market ineffective products.

  7. Deals always play an pivotal role in the getting best offer available in the market it makes your presence with a slight difference with the people whom you are dealing in the market. Daily Deals In Pakistan enables you to make get the best offer available in the market at the cheapest rates. Nice to be here and get informed. I will bookmark it and visit it again.

  8. What have you found that works for acne?

  9. It seems like everyone who gets birchbox essentially hates it. It makes for fun-to-read snark, but I don't really get it. Same with Wantable. And a few others.

  10. *sigh* the beauty bullshit stuff just makes me sad and tired. My inner scientist is beating her head against a wall. My outer scientist making scowly faces at the screen. :-P

    If Soylent Green is People, doe that mean Soylent Beige is Polish?

  11. Funny, I got that TEMPTU highlighter too, but because I'm brown it blends right in to my skin so you can see no evidence of it ever being there.

  12. very nice thank you so much

  13. - Tạo hình thẩm mỹ:
    - Nâng ngực
    - Nâng mũi
    - Căng da mặt
    - Cắt mắt 2 mí
    Mang lại vẻ đẹp quyễn rũ cho phái đẹp.
    Với các phương pháp hiện đại cùng tay nghề cao của bác sỹ, thực hiện phẫu thuật trên chỉ kéo dài chưa đến 1 tiếng, hạn chế tối đa cảm giác đau cho khách hàng. Ưu điểm của phương pháp này là không gây đau đớn, không để lại sẹo, thời gian nghỉ dưỡng ngắn mà kết quả lại vượt trội. Sau phẫu thuật bạn sẽ sở hữu ngay một đôi mắt to tròn, mũi cao, làn da tươi trẻ, vòng 1 nở nang và quý phái, 2 mí tự nhiên, gương mặt nhờ đó tươi tắn và trẻ trung hơn.

  14. Thank you so much for your post. This post really help me a lot and I have learnt some new things from your blog. I am bookmark your blog for future visit.
    pure cambogia slim

  15. I like your post. This post really awesome and very helpful to me. Please keep posting good contents. Thank you.

  16. Thanks for posting this info. I just want to let you know that I just check out your site

  17. great post really appreciable work. That will be valuable to everyone who uses it, including myself. Many thanks!
    friendship day quotes
    Happy New Year Quotes
    Popular Quotes
    Christmas Wishes
    teachers day quotes

  18. Goa Female Escorts

    Goa Call Girls

    Goa Escorts

    Hiya !!! ... I am Sonam Raees A Hot, adorable and hot young lady, as individuals depict me in their fantasies. Conceived and raised in an exceptionally pleasant family where you wont discover individuals other than specialists and architects from a north town of India. I have dependably been an extremely unusual in all viewpoints where my everything relatives have been exceptionally bashful and sensible individuals. It is truly extreme for me to gel with a family people whose nature is all together not quite the same as what I am really conveying. I am as beguiling as any lovely hollywood superstar so why ought not I appreciate my magnificence then being in books and writing. Notwithstanding all these, I went by Goa for my further designing studies and I really got wings to my fantasy of getting to be motivated dream model of everybody's eye. In any case, four years how might I really inspire enough to have a ton of fun and celebrate. Out of the blue one of my old town companion rang who was additionally concentrating on in a similar city, for a gathering. I was extremely glad as though I was meeting my old companion and celebrating with part numerous young men. I was stunned to see her spending extravagantly and I asked her, "darlings give me an approach to profit the way you do it being an understudy". She uncovered a mystery of she working in Goa Call Girls and Goa Escorts Service. This was something new to me however this resembled with one slug two shots. As I am hot I would appreciate messing around with men and young men and where I would profit to commend all the days like VIP in Goa. Be that as it may, even now I needed to reevaluate on my choice so I asked my companion that I should buzz you back.

  19. Back market is overflowed with different credit choices by limitless number of banks. Online moneylenders are the most recent participants in the credit advertise which have made an activity to defeat the weaknesses that borrowers used to confront while acquiring from conventional loan specialists, for example, banks and budgetary establishments.

  20. Jobs Chat is one of the biggest Indian Job Site so here you will getAll Government jobs Syllabusso

  21. We are celebrating Valentines Day with our readers. You can also join us in the biggest Valentines Day party ever. It is now open for everyone. We would love to have you with your friends, and singles are also most welcome.

    Happy Valentines Day 2017!

    Valentines Day WhatsApp Greetings

    Valentines Day Images

    Valentines Day Wishes
    Valentiens Day
    All Week valentines
    Click Here

    Read More
    Happy Valentines Day

    You can celebrate this Valentines Day with us. We are hosting a mega party for everyone. We would love to have you with us this year. We are celebrating through Valentine Week 2017.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...